SCIENCE MEETS: Working Through Grief
Photo by Marek Studzinksi on Unsplash
How do you work through grief? I don’t mean, how do you get over your grief; I mean how do you work while grieving? Illness and injury are readily recognized as justifiable reasons to momentarily pause work (and pause the tenure/promotion clock!), and in many cases, the illness or injury resolves. But grief is a bit trickier; there’s no timeline for grief and it may never really go away. Work can feel insurmountable; especially since grief’s overwhelming onslaught can show up at unpredictable moments and wreak havoc. Like you’re working on a grant, but then a student pops in with a question. After sorting out the student, you turn back to your computer where you see an email come in from your colleague needing something yesterday (that you totally forgot about). You think ‘ok, this is fine, I just need to get some coffee first and I’ll handle this real quick.’ Then you realize you’re out of coffee creamer. And suddenly you’re sobbing. Obviously, it’s not about the lack of coffee creamer. But, what are you supposed to do now? How exactly are you supposed to put forward any kind of reasonable work?
We grieve for many things throughout our lifetime. Deaths of family members, friends, colleagues, pets. Injustices done to members of our communities. The inability to bear children, or the loss of pregnancies. The dissolution of marriages, relationships, and friendships that no longer serve us, were hurting us, or were hurting those we proclaimed to love. Perhaps worst of all, we grieve for futures lost; for goals and dreams that are no longer possible. Idyllic visions that will remain only that.
I struggle with grief. As many of my fellow Gen Xers can attest to, emotions of any kind weren’t exactly tolerated well when we were kids. We rubbed dirt on whatever hurt (literally and figuratively) and kept it moving. As I went through my career, I was too fearful to show any cracks lest people think I wasn’t a Serious Professional.
But, one year, I got overwhelmed by my grief, and I felt like I no longer had a choice but to let those cracks show. I asked for help at work from my colleagues to take some of the load off. I asked my team for patience. I asked my VP for some time off. The response? Unbelievably supportive! I didn’t get fired, my colleagues didn’t shame me, and my team didn’t lose respect for me. They rallied behind me, took up the work, and shared their own stories. I got rest, I got counseling, and I slowly got back on track.
So, how do you work while you are grieving?
1. Recognize when you need rest and take it. Grief is exhausting and it’s hard to do your best work when you are already tired. Trying to push through isn’t actually going to save you any time, and may even set you back.
2. Decide what is critical for you to do, and offload anything else. Have a conversation with your boss/department head/colleagues about their expectations of you and whether someone else can take over your responsibilities for a defined period of time. Be specific about the help that you need and for how long.
3. Adjust the priorities with your team. What can wait? What can they work on independently? Would training facilitate their independence? Can you reduce the frequency of meetings without compromising their progress? Is there a colleague or collaborator who can be the first point of contact for a project?
4. Check in with your mentors. If they’re your mentors, they are already in your corner and they want to see you succeed. And chances are, they have been through similar, tough circumstances. Ask for their perspectives, and brainstorm solutions with them.
5. Give yourself grace. Some days the work will get done, and some days it won’t. And that’s ok. Your career is more than one day, one week, or even one year. Celebrate the small wins, and be proud of yourself for continuing to show up.
Being vulnerable and asking for help isn’t a weakness. It is an opportunity to find your community, to learn and grow, and to develop strategies to support resiliency. Hopefully, you have a workplace and colleagues that will be supportive and provide you with the resources you need. But, if your workplace is toxic or your colleagues won’t lend a hand, reach out to your broader networks, or seek help within your community (see resources below). You do not have to sit with your grief alone. Then one day, when you are in a stronger position, you will have the opportunity to pay it forward and share your lessons with your younger colleagues and mentees.
For more resources:
Canadian Mental Health Association: https://cmha.ca/
Canadian Psychological Association: https://cpa.ca/psychology-works-fact-sheet-grief-in-adults/
American Psychological Association: https://www.apa.org/topics/grief
National Institute on Aging: https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/grief-and-mourning
Anderson Cooper has a podcast that shares stories of grief; listen here.
