Everyone is messy. Find freedom by letting go of perfection.

Photo by Jonathan Sanchez on Unsplash

When your plans go awry, and circumstances don’t turn out quite like you hoped they would—whether that’s a rejected paper, a grant that goes unfunded, or even a relationship that doesn’t work out—it can be easy to think that you’re just not measuring up. Couple that with a never-ending parade of social media that demonstrates the seemingly perfect lives of your friends, colleagues, and everyone else, and it’s easy to start to feel like you’re the only one in the world who is an absolute mess. You’re not the only one, though. Everyone’s a bit messy. Life is messy.

The problem with chasing the illusion of perfection, aside from the not-insignificant fact that it’s impossible to achieve, is that it can actually keep you playing small, even when you should be stepping out onto a bigger stage. You don’t try new things because you don’t want to fail, or worse, have people see you fail. You don’t leave an unhappy relationship because you don’t want people to think you did something wrong. You don’t ask a colleague to review your grant application because you don’t want them to know that you struggle with your writing.

But, here’s the trick. If you can embrace the fact that life for you and everyone around you is just going to be a bit messy, this will actually set you free. And even if someone else has perfected their life, who cares? You do you. Only you can decide where you want to go, and you won’t get there by sitting still. If you’re not sure what you’re looking for, go shake a few trees and break a few vases. Messiness is what can give you space to breathe, to live your life authentically, and to get outside your comfort zone. When the illusion of perfection has been revealed to be just that—an illusion—then what’s stopping you now from being less than perfect in the rest of your life? What could your life look like if you were no longer afraid to look less than perfect?

Here’s what mine looked like. I gave up chasing perfection after my first marriage. We both wanted the ‘perfect relationship,' we just had different ideas about what that meant, and that’s ok. Once I let go of the impossible-to-maintain illusion of perfection in my marriage, I was free to look like a mess in all kinds of areas. I joined a rugby team even though I had never played the sport before and certainly wasn’t in any kind of shape for it. I took dance classes and looked ridiculous. I partied with friends on the weekends in a serious way. I got judged—what kind of professor acts like this—and some of my closest friends were the ones who judged me the harshest. But, man, did I have a good time. And I learned that, in the pit of all of this glorious mess, I was going to be ok. That then gave me confidence to step out of my comfort zone at work, and take on new responsibilities that I didn’t feel prepared for. I didn’t always get it right, but I didn’t expect to. Knowing that I couldn’t possibly do everything perfectly gave me the freedom to speak my mind, suggest new ideas, try out new systems. I was messy, but I learned so much. And people listened to me. And a lot of it I did get right.

Embracing messiness isn’t about giving up on striving for excellence; it’s about giving yourself permission to experiment, learn, and grow without the weight of perfection holding you back. It’s about shifting from a fear of failure to a curiosity about what might happen.

What could you try this week if you let go of the illusion of perfection? A new hobby, a difficult conversation, or a creative idea that scares you? Let yourself be messy. You might just discover new strengths you never knew you had. And you might just have some fun. If you’re ready to explore how letting go of perfection can open new doors for your career and your life, let’s talk.

Next week: The academic job talk