Seeking external validation will eventually make you miserable
Photo by Kirsten Winegart on Unsplash
One day, I was catching up with a student who had recently returned from a conference. I asked them whether they got any good questions at their poster. What followed was an animated response about how well things went, but their excited anecdotes about rapt listeners and insightful questions also belied a red flag. I wondered if the student was finding more validation in the other researchers’ excitement than they did from the project itself. It seemed as if the attention had proved their being worthy to be in science, rather than their own belief in the strength of their science. When I pressed them about this issue, they affirmed my suspicions: their self-worth came from having interesting scientific findings and from the external validation of researchers.
Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s an amazing feeling when things go right—the data comes out as predicted, the grant gets awarded, and reviewer #2 likes your paper. But the problem is that while the highs in academia (as in life) can feel exhilarating, the lows can be crushing… and numerous. In fact, academia is full of uncertainty. No matter how carefully you design an experiment, the results may not turn out as expected. You may be really inspired with the new research direction you’ve laid out in a grant application, but there may be a gatekeeper on the review committee. And that gatekeeper might also be your next reviewer #2 on that paper you just re-submitted. Tying your self-worth to outcomes determined by factors beyond your control lets disappointment turn into negative feelings about yourself. Then, in an effort to not feel so bad, you may start doing what you think people want you to do. You may even start to chase research trends outside of your interest or expertise simply so you can try to be part of the conversation. These people-pleasing behaviors can derail personal and professional growth because you end up saying “yes” to activities that don’t actually align with your strengths or your long-term goals.
The good news is that you can shift your mindset and define success on your own terms. Instead of measuring success through external validation, define success by metrics central to you: the consistent effort you’ve put into your work, how you have advanced knowledge in the field, or the growth you’ve seen in your trainees. Get comfortable with failure and use it as an opportunity to learn. If a grant or a paper has been rejected, are there comments from the reviewers—even reviewer #2—that you can use to improve upon your work? Can you improve the clarity and structure of your writing? Or are you receiving negative feedback simply because you are challenging the status quo and the people in power who uphold it? Review feedback with curiosity, not self-criticism, and then make a plan to try again.
Break free from people-pleasing by asking whether the activities you are saying ‘yes’ to align with your strategic vision. Ask yourself if you are acting in accordance with the kind of academic that you want to be, and ensure that your priorities and values are guiding your decisions. Set boundaries around your calendar so that you are devoting time to the most important activities that will help you achieve your goals. Developing internal sources of validation will also help combat people-pleasing behaviors. Celebrate the small wins—an inspiring discussion with a colleague, a paper that has been submitted, even a manuscript review that you finally got off of your to-do list. Keeping a running list of all of your meaningful contributions, either in a notebook or journal, can remind you of the superstar you are, and why you are in academia in the first place. Remember that success in academia requires originality, not conformity. Internal confidence fosters creative thinking because it is unencumbered by fears of what others may think or believe. Enjoy the spotlight when it comes, but celebrate the work even when no one else gets it (yet).
Academia will always have setbacks, but you don’t have to let them define your self-worth. When you shift from seeking external validation to building internal confidence, you can unlock higher levels of impact. Breaking free from needing external validation takes practice, but you don’t have to do it alone. If you’re ready to build confidence, set boundaries, and define success on your own terms, book a free discovery call today!
Next week: How to handle tough feedback without taking it personally
