When mentorship gets messy: what to do when it doesn’t all go as planned (for Mentors and Mentees)
Photo by Holly Jeans on Unsplash
Mentorship often starts smoothly—but even the best relationships can get messy. One or both people can sometimes begin to feel stuck, frustrated, or disconnected. This has certainly happened to me, both as a mentee and as a mentor. Towards the end of my PhD, my graduate supervisor and I were kind of getting irritated with each other to the point where he said, “You’re going to graduate soon, so, we’re going to have to figure out what’s going on here and how we move forward.” Likewise, many years ago, one of my research assistants said to me, “It feels like you’re mad at me.” In both instances, I felt pretty awful hearing their words. I knew the vibes were off, but I hadn’t been doing the hard work in either case to self-reflect and figure out what was causing this shift in our dynamics and how to change my behavior accordingly. Particularly, in the latter case where I was the supervisor/mentor, I knew this wasn’t the way I wanted to lead, and I certainly didn’t want my mentees to ever feel unsafe or unwelcome.
The reality is that mentorship is a type of relationship, and like any other relationship (a friendship, a partnership, a collaboration), it grows and evolves over time as each person in the relationship grows and evolves. Needs and expectations change, and the broader life context can shift (e.g., health issues, financial pressures), but if these things aren’t acknowledged explicitly, then the mentorship relationship can break down. In the above examples, I hadn’t been communicating that what I needed in terms of support had fundamentally changed, and of course, neither my supervisor nor my RA were mind-readers which left them both feeling frustrated and confused.
The good news is that even if the mentorship relationship has started to go off the rails, there are things you can do to get it back on track. Even better news is that there are ways to ensure the relationship stays (reasonably) smooth throughout. Here’s how both mentors and mentees can navigate, and grow from, the bumps along the way:
Recognize the early warning signs. Mentors, are you noticing that your mentee is canceling or avoiding scheduling meetings? Perhaps your mentee has stopped providing specific updates. Maybe your advice is no longer met with eager acceptance, but instead met with apathy or even defensiveness, or worse, visible dread. These are all clues that there may be misalignment in the understanding of your mentees’ struggles and/or goals. Mentees, do meetings feel flat instead of energizing? Has the tone of communication changed from supportive to indifferent or even dismissive? These are signs that there may be misalignment of each person’s understanding of the goals and the expectations of the mentorship relationship.
Take a pause. For both mentors and mentees, take a moment to pause and self-reflect. Do you know why the relationship has changed? Mentors, do you know what your mentee needs? Are your expectations of them clear to both of you? For mentees, do you know what support you need? Do you feel comfortable asking your mentor for a change in support or in sharing with your mentor what has/has not worked well?
Reset the communication. Given the inherent pressure created by the power differential in the mentor-mentee relationship, ideally mentors will keep the door open for honest and transparent communication. For instance, mentors, you can say something like, “I’d like to make sure that I understand your goals and your needs and that I am supporting you in the most helpful way. Can we chat about what’s top-of-mind for you these days and how you are feeling?” Mentees, you can also reset the conversation by saying something like, “I feel a bit stuck, and I’m wondering if you can help me work through how best to navigate this next part of my career,” or maybe, “I’ve been thinking about my career goals, and I’d like to share them with you and ask you a few questions.”
Ask for, and give, feedback. Once the connection and trust is re-established, talk about the practical side of working together. For mentors, simply asking, “How can I best support you in this?” is a great way to learn about the kind of help that your mentee wants, and what they don’t need. Mentees, you should also feel free to ask for feedback. For example, by asking, “Can we review my progress and talk about next steps?” you can initiate a shared reflection on how far you’ve both come, what has worked, what didn’t work and why, and what is expected of each other in the near future.
Know when to bring in other mentors. Mentors, if you realize that, for whatever reason, you are not able to provide the kinds of support your mentee needs as they continue on in their career journey, introduce them to other colleagues who may be better-suited to help them. For instance, if my trainees want support in getting a non-academic job, I will connect them with other members of my peer or lab alumni networks who do have experiences in those spaces. You haven’t failed your mentee if you are unable to do/be everything for them. However, you will be failing them if you don’t recognize the limits of your abilities and steer them on a path toward others who can provide the needed support. For mentees, if a communication reset is still not leaving you feeling energized or supported, it is ok to seek out other mentor relationships. And, it’s ok to do this even if your current relationships are going well! You may need different mentors for different purposes at different times in your life.
Difficulties in the mentor-mentee relationship aren’t a sign of failure—they’re an invitation to pause, reflect, and realign. Mentorship, like any relationship, requires care, honest communication, and a willingness to adapt. Reflecting on what you have learned—about yourself and each other—and what you could have done differently, can help you more mindfully course-correct the mentor-mentee relationship should the need arise in the future.
Are you currently navigating a mentoring relationship that feels stuck or off-course? You’re not alone, and it doesn’t have to stay that way. I help early-career researchers build mentoring systems that are rooted in clarity, connection, and sustainability. Let’s talk.
Next week: Mentorship is a two-way street
